5 things on returning
1. Chilly Mornings, cells singing; my body has been hungry for cooler temps. Returning home to noticeably shorter days and cool mornings, pleasant evenings was a gift for the me that dreaded coming home*.
2. Feeling my arms move as I walk, the rhythmic sway, the tissue jostling, translating up from my feet meeting the ground. My surprise at the sensation made it clear it had been awhile since I'd felt this, even with miles and miles walked on the west coast, my arms were not yet online. The return often happens in stages, not all at once. All at once would actually be TOOOOO MUCH when my system is already overloaded. I am grateful for these bits of return.
3. And, the stages of return have also been challenging. Before my limbs came back online there was the physical pain as my muscles began to release their bracing against the next bit of shrapnel**. I know this already, but still it's so interesting that awareness of pain does not mean I'm actually back in my body. Sometimes it prolongs the time of being OUT actually. Not only is it emotionally painful in here, it physically hurts. OUCH.
4. It took longer for my legs to come back - or, for me to come back to my legs; they were here the whole time, carrying me about. About a week after feeling my arms I said, "oh, I don't think my legs are here yet." Soon after, I could feel the ground through them again. I'd been trying, there had been flickers, but I recognize the feeling of wholeness in my legs, arms, torso when I come fully back in. Grateful for that for now, for as long as it's here, knowing it may (will, certainly) wax and wane.
5. This is a deeply human-body experience. I have had many seasons of wondering what is wrong with my body or with myself that I can't come back in, that it's hard or impossible to be "present" as though awareness of being OUT isn't also a kind of presence, as if being OUT were wrong instead of a sometimes necessary and deeply preserving function of a living system. This is what bodies do, and yes, sometimes they get stuck in these patterns, and that is not what is happening now. The return is happening. Enough time and space, enough support, and the shift is happening.
*Fake Fall as we call it - weeks before our current foray into what feels like true fall weather.
**"shrapnel" feels lazy and frustrating and also insensitive, I want another good metaphor for the incidental damage radiating from a central hurt. More than that, I want us to stop piling damage on top of damage with each other when we are wounded. I understand the how, the why, and. Ouch. If you are reading this and know me personally, I am ok. These are posting in arrears, one of my internal agreements for sharing something harder here.
